Christmas is supposed to be a time of celebration: a season of connection, warmth, and shared experience. It centres around togetherness, often bringing together family, extended family, and friends.
But navigating Christmas celebrations can also be hard. Grief and loss can intensify during collective holidays, and mental health challenges often make it difficult to share in positive experiences. Neurodiverse young people may find it hard to follow the social norms of holiday celebrations and feel distressed trying to fit in with everyone else.
Young people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often find Christmas celebrations difficult. BPD is characterised by intense and quickly changing moods, often in response to things that happen in relationships. When these relationships are emphasised and intensified, they may feel overwhelmed and unstable. Experiences that may feel warm and joyful to other people can be painful and lonely for someone with BPD.
However, there are some steps that young people and their families can take to make Christmas celebrations more manageable. By listening to their needs and avoiding pressures to conform to ‘the norm’, young people with BPD can find ways to navigate the holiday period.
This blog offers some more information about why the holiday season can be hard for someone living with BPD and shares some strategies that might make it easier.
Christmas Celebrations and Social Triggers
Young people with BPD often experience very intense emotions. They might feel intense anger or deep feelings of emptiness. They may experience overwhelming guilt, shame, or a sense of not being good enough. They may feel alone or terrified of abandonment.
These emotions are often triggered by things that happen in relationships, even things that may seem insignificant to someone else. This might include not being invited to an event, a late reply to a message, or a minor disagreement at dinner. They might also include more intense events, like a family conflict or break-up.
Christmas celebrations are usually socially intense situations involving an interplay of various close relationships, sometimes with complicated social dynamics. This can give rise to conflicts or experiences of being left out or overlooked. This might trigger intense emotions among young people with BPD.
Traumatic Memories
Young people with BPD have usually experienced at least one form of childhood trauma. In fact, many experts understand BPD symptoms as a normal response to adverse childhood experiences during which certain coping mechanisms helped them to survive. Later on in life, however, these coping mechanisms act as a barrier to emotional and social learning, trusting relationships, and a coherent sense of self and purpose.
Sometimes, celebrations that centre around the family can trigger traumatic memories from earlier childhood. They may bring back memories of the death or loss of a family member or incidents of family conflict, betrayal, and trauma. Social expectations of Christmas as a joyful family occasion can make loss, separation, and harm within the family feel even more painful.
Loneliness and Emptiness
Chronic feelings of emptiness are one of the core symptoms of BPD. Young people may feel disconnected from others and themselves, devoid of inner experience. Individuals with BPD can also feel profoundly lonely and misunderstood, even when they are surrounded by others.
As a celebration that emphasises togetherness, Christmas can make feelings of loneliness even more stark. Young people may contrast their own experiences with their perception of others and the connections they feel to one another.
Pressure to Be ‘Happy’
Social norms and expectations can make young people feel like they have to be happy in the days around Christmas. They might feel as though their low mood would ruin the celebrations or create disappointment in others. They may think that the emotions aren’t valid or feel shame or guilt. They might hide their emotions and try to deal with them alone, rather than reaching out for support.
This invalidation and rejection of emotions only makes them more intense and harder to cope with. Without sharing their feelings with others, young people with BPD may feel overwhelmed by their experiences and turn to more harmful coping mechanisms.
Invalidation and Unhelpful Comments
At Christmas, young people with BPD may spend a lot of time with people they know less well, like extended family members or family friends. They may interact with individuals who don’t understand what BPD is or how it affects someone’s life. They may face stigma and misconceptions, or responses to their behaviours that are unhelpful or damaging.
Disrupted Routines
Daily structure and routines can help young people with borderline personality disorder to manage their symptoms. They may have developed coping mechanisms to deal with different kinds of emotional distress and have specific people they like to speak to for support.
In the holiday season, adolescents and young adults may find themselves in a different environment, away from their usual routines, coping mechanisms, and individuals who help them to stay safe. This can make it harder to regulate their emotions, causing more intense and longer-lasting distress.
Coping with Christmas Celebrations for Young People with BPD
While navigating Christmas celebrations can be tough for someone with borderline personality disorder, many young people have found ways to help them cope.
It’s important to remember that every young person with BPD is different, and what works for one person may not be helpful for another. But we’ve listed a few perspectives and strategies that might be useful.
It’s Okay to Not Feel Okay
A central part of BPD recovery (and treatment approaches like dialectical behavioural therapy) is learning to accept that some emotions and experiences can’t be changed, and to experience them without self-judgment. This radical acceptance of emotions makes them easier to manage and avoids compounding distress with feelings of worthlessness and shame.
It’s really important that young people continue to believe that their emotions are valid, even during times of celebration. Feeling sad, angry, lonely, or hurt during Christmas is a common experience, and no one should feel pressure to hide or reject their feelings. Young people should always feel comfortable reaching out for support when they need it.
Taking Time Out
Sometimes, joining in with all the Christmas celebrations can be overwhelming, especially when social interactions and environments are intense or triggering. It can help young people to participate in some collective activities while taking time to be by themselves, practice self-care, or speak with other people.
It’s important for young people to have the space and flexibility to understand and meet their emotional needs, care for themselves, and receive support from others. For some young people, this might mean avoiding Christmas celebrations entirely, and that’s also okay. In this case, it’s good to ask them how they would like to spend the time instead and see how you can support them.
Avoiding Triggering Situations
Some aspects of Christmas celebrations might be especially triggering for a young person. There may be certain individuals or contexts that they associate with distressing or traumatic situations from the past. When a young person with BPD has experienced a crisis around Christmas time in previous years, they may be reminded of these feelings too.
If a young person thinks that specific situations will be triggering, they might want to skip these parts of the celebrations. They should feel comfortable leaving any situation that feels stressful, overwhelming, or difficult.
The Wave Clinic: Specialist Mental Health Support for Young People
The Wave Clinic offers transformative recovery programs for young people living with borderline personality disorder, eating disorders, complex trauma, and other mental health challenges. We take a whole-person approach to mental health support, combining exceptional clinical care with enriching experiences, education, and social projects. We focus on building self-confidence and resilience, life skills and a sense of belonging.
Our programs are trauma-focused and family-centred, acknowledging the role of past experiences and social structures in shaping how young people think, feel, and act today. We work through collaborative treatment planning with both young people and families, co-forming recovery programs that are effective, fulfilling, and engaging.
If you’re interested in finding out more about our programs, get in touch today.
