When parents find out that a young person has self-harmed, they often don’t seek support right away. Parent-child relationships can become complex, and parents can feel overwhelmed, anxious, and frustrated. Parents may experience intense emotions and avoid confronting the situation. Sometimes, they may tell themselves that it is ‘just a phase’.
In many cases, children tell their parents that they don’t need support.
However, when a child or teenager is self-harming, parents should seek help immediately. Every instance of self-harm is serious, regardless of the physical impact. Self-harm is always a sign of deeper emotional distress, and never a form of attention-seeking nor a superficial action.
The sooner a young person receives support for self-harm and the emotions that lie beneath, the better. Professional care can help children and adolescents find safe, healthy ways to cope with their feelings and stay safe in the long term.
Why Do Children and Teenagers Self-Harm?
Young people use self-harm as a coping mechanism for intense emotional distress. This can happen for several reasons.
They may:
- self-harm to escape temporarily from anxiety or emotional pain
- experience physical pain as a way to distract from emotional pain
- self-harm to find momentary groundedness in episodes of dissociation
- self-harm as a way of expressing or regulating very intense emotions, such as fear, anger, loss, or worthlessness
- feel like self-harm gives them control of their emotions and experiences
- harm themselves to relieve feelings of numbness or emptiness
Why Should Parents Never Overlook or Minimise Self-Harm?
Sometimes parents overlook or minimise a young person’s self-harming behaviours. They might feel very afraid or sad about what’s going on, and look for ways to avoid confronting the reality of their child’s experience and their own emotions. Parents may also hold themselves responsible for a young person’s behaviours and deny their severity to avoid feelings of shame or guilt.
However, when a child is self-harming, it’s important that parents never play down or invalidate their experience. Invalidation from others can intensify a young person’s emotions and cause self-harming behaviours to escalate further. It also creates a barrier to effective support and care.
How Should Parents Respond If a Young Person is Self-Harming?
It can be difficult for parents to manage their emotions when they find out a young person is self-harming, especially in the moment. If it feels like too much, it’s best to take some space and come back later with calmness and composure.
In these situations, parents should try to:
- Let a young person know that you want to support them
- Stay non-judgmental and reassuring
- Listen carefully to what a young person has to say
- Acknowledge and validate their emotions, pain, and distress
- Stay open-minded
How Can Parents Decide When to Get Help?
When it comes to self-harm, it’s not a question of deliberating whether or not to seek help. If parents are concerned that a child is self-harming, they should seek professional advice as soon as they can.
It’s important to remember that collaboration is fundamental to young people’s mental health support. Let your child know, calmly and honestly, that you are seeking professional advice and why you think it’s important. Facilitating open communication is a core aspect of building and maintaining trust throughout the recovery process.
Why Might a Child or Teenager Say They Don’t Need Support?
When a child is self-harming, it’s normal for them to say that they don’t need additional support. They might think that self-harm is helping them cope with their experiences, and feel scared about handling their emotions without it. Or they might think they can get better on their own.
However, self-harm is not only dangerous for a young person’s mental and physical well-being, but also doesn’t help them cope with their feelings in the long term. While it can provide momentary relief, distressing emotions quickly return, often intensified by guilt and shame.
As with all mental health disorders, young people who are self-harming require professional support to stay safe and find lasting recovery.
Separating Self-Harm from Its Physical Impact
It’s often tempting for parents to judge self-harm by its physical impact. Young people self-harm in different ways, and some have a greater physical mark than others.
If the physical impact is less, some parents overlook or minimise self-harm. They may use this thinking as an excuse to avoid confronting the seriousness of the situation.
However, self-harm is always a sign of intense emotional pain, regardless of the harm caused to the body.
What Treatment Approaches Can Support Young People to Recover from Self-Harm?
Confronting the reality of self-harm can be scary. But it’s the first step towards effective support and recovery.
With effective treatment and professional support, young people can learn healthy coping mechanisms to cope with the distress they experience while healing from the traumas that underpin their emotions. Remember that recovery isn’t always linear, and setbacks can happen. It’s important for parents to remind young people of the progress they have made and reassure them that their recovery will continue.
There are several different treatment approaches that can support young people who self-harm. These include:
- Talk therapies like cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy, and mentalisation-based therapy
- Trauma therapies, including EMDR
- Somatic therapies like trauma-informed yoga and somatic healing
- Creative arts therapies
- Experiential therapies
Many young people who self-harm are living with a mental health disorder like depression or borderline personality disorder. Treating these disorders can help reduce self-harming behaviours.
Support for Parents and Families
For parents and families of young people who self-harm, it can all sometimes feel like too much. Parents may be distressed and scared about what will happen next, even if their child is receiving support.
At the same time, parents and families hold the potential to play a powerful role in a child’s recovery. Supportive family systems built up warm and caring, yet boundaried, relationships can nurture healing and growth. Families can also learn skills to help them handle crisis situations and encourage positive change.
That’s why it’s so important for parents and families to receive additional help as well. Parents and family members may want to engage in individual therapy to support their own well-being, or family therapy to develop skills and find new ways of relating. Parents might also benefit from parenting skills training to understand how to move back into a parenting role when a young person is in crisis.
The Wave Clinic: Trauma-Focused Mental Health Support for Young People and Families
The Wave Clinic offers specialist mental health treatment spaces for young people and families. We specialise in complex trauma, eating disorders, borderline personality disorder, and self-harm, addressing the underlying experiences and emotions that shape young people’s behaviours.
We offer residential programs with twenty-four-hour medical support to ensure young people stay safe when situations escalate. We also offer outpatient and intensive outpatient programs. Our treatment modalities include talk therapies, creative therapies, and experiential therapies, focusing on personal growth and whole-person healing.
We focus on building self-confidence, learning life skills, and forming meaningful connections with others.
Our programs include parenting and family intensives to support families in handling situations where they may feel out of their depth or unsure how to continue. We also look at the way intergenerational trauma shapes family dynamics, and how collective experiences can transform relationships.
If you’re interested in finding out more about our programs, contact us today.
