Abusive behaviours deeply harm all parts of the family system. Some of this harm is caused directly through interactions between an abusive parent and their partner or children. Other forms of harm are indirect, precipitated by changes in the way a family is organised and changes to the relationships and well-being of other family members.
In this blog, we look at how narcissistic abuse from one parent to the other impacts the family system, leading children to take on the role of parents. We also outline the long-term harm this can cause for young people’s mental health.
What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissism and narcissist are terms that we hear a lot. They are used in many different contexts, from casually describing someone’s attitudes and behaviours to speaking about a mental health diagnosis. Because the terms are used so broadly, different meanings are often confused and mixed, creating misconceptions that can be harmful and unsafe.
Narcissism
Narcissism is a broad term used to describe attitudes, traits, and behaviours that are egotistic, self-serving, and disregard the feelings of others. Narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum: some people may show a few of these traits to a lesser extent, while others may exhibit many narcissistic traits to a greater degree.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
If a person shows extreme, rigid, and consistent narcissistic traits, they may be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM-5. Some key traits of narcissistic personality disorder include:
- Expectations of superior treatment from others
- A belief in their own superiority over others
- Exploitation of others for personal gain
- Unwillingness to empathise with the experiences of others
Having narcissistic personality disorder doesn’t mean a person will be abusive. There is no evidence to suggest that abusive behaviours are more common among people with mental health disorders than those without, including narcissistic personality disorder.
Characterising a mental health disorder as abusive contributes to stigma surrounding the disorder and mental health in general. This can act as a barrier to help-seeking, effective support, and recovery.
Equally, using a mental health disorder as a way to ‘explain away’ abusive behaviours risks undermining an abuser’s accountability for their actions and enabling the harm to continue.
Interpartner Abuse
Interpartner abuse or interpartner violence refers to abusive behaviours between intimate partners. It may involve physical or sexual violence, threats of violence, and/or emotional and psychological abuse. Interpersonal violence impacts women at a higher rate than men.
Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is a term used to describe patterns of psychological abuse that can stem from narcissistic behaviours. Perpetrating narcissistic abuse doesn’t mean that someone meets the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissistic abuse has been defined in different ways. Broadly, it involves attempts to control and dominate another person by undermining their self-worth and manipulating their thoughts and feelings. It often involves behaviours such as alternating phases of idealisation and devaluation, intermittent withdrawal and affection, gaslighting (making a person question their sense of reality), and isolating a person from others.
Some definitions of narcissistic abuse emphasise the abuser’s construction of a false reality, both for the survivor and those observing the relationship. The abuser creates a ‘false self’, a loving and caring character that the survivor initially believes in, as do others around them. This deception contradicts the reality of the relationship they live in, causing cognitive dissonance and destabilising their sense of reality.
What Is Parentification?
Parentification is a term used to describe a role reversal between parents and children, where children assume roles and responsibilities that are inappropriate for their developmental age. Some experts also use the term boundary dissolution to describe parentification. In the process of parentification, the usual intergenerational roles in a family system dissolve, and the distinct characteristics of each role are lost.
There are two main types of parentification: instrumental and emotional.
- Instrumental parentification is when children take physical responsibilities, such as housework, financial or childcare responsibilities, that are beyond their developmental age
- Emotional parentification is when children take on emotional responsibilities towards their parents, such as emotional support or conflict resolution
When children start to take on caregiving roles in the family, parents often, although not always, step back from their own caregiving roles towards young people.
Parentification, Inter-Partner Conflict, Family Trauma and Psychological Abuse
There are many different factors that may lead to parentification. Parentification occurs when parents are unable to meet the needs of themselves, their children, or their household. This often happens in situations of poverty or post-disaster contexts when parents struggle to access the resources they need to support their family.
However, parentification can also occur for other reasons, including family trauma, domestic violence and abuse. In an abusive relationship, the abusive partner often neglects their child’s needs and well-being, as well as other family responsibilities. At the same time, the survivor of the abuse may experience emotional distress and exhaustion that prevents them from meeting a child’s emotional or physical needs.
Parental Conflict, Abuse, and Parentification
When parents are engaged in hostile conflicts, it takes an emotional toll. Parents who are overwhelmed by their disputes may withdraw from some of their household responsibilities, leaving children to fill in the gaps.
Parents sometimes draw children into their arguments, looking to them for emotional support or to ‘take their side’. Children may take on these roles, aware that their parents are not meeting their needs, but still seeking their validation. These processes can contribute to parentification.
Some studies have linked higher levels of parental conflict to emotional parentification among adolescents.
When one parent exhibits narcissistic behaviours, parents tend not to experience two-sided conflicts. Instead, conflicts are one-sided, controlled and manipulated by the one partner at the expense of the other. They may be initiated when the partner feels challenged, threatened, or disrespected by any form of disagreement, criticism, or divergence from their ideals. They may involve psychological, verbal, or physical abuse.
Although these conflicts may not resemble balanced, two-sided conflicts, they can lead to similar patterns of parentification. Teenage children can be pulled into caring roles for the partner experiencing abuse, as they experience emotional exhaustion. Parents surviving abuse are often isolated by their partner from other friends and other support mechanisms, increasing pressure on children to assume caring roles.
Sometimes, parents can purposely draw children into conflicts. They may pressure or manipulate a teenager to take their side or use them as a tool of manipulation. This can cause serious psychological damage to young people.
Parentification, Distraction, and Deceptive Behaviours
Narcissistic behaviours often involve deception. This might include deceptive sexual behaviours that break the agreements and trust of the relationship or other behaviours that cross the relationship’s boundaries.
In these contexts, teenagers can be pulled into parenting roles that enable the deceptive parent to engage in their activities. For example, teenagers may be asked to stay with the betrayed parent in the house, distracting them while their other parent acts out sexually. Young people usually quickly gain an idea of what is going on and may experience torn loyalties and unease, while being unsure how to respond.
Avoidance of Shame and Guilt
Sometimes, a parent with narcissistic behaviours relies on a young person to avoid or cope with feelings of guilt or shame about their actions. They may see the relationship between their partner and child as a dynamic that can reduce the harm they are causing, instrumentalising it as a way to feel better about their own behaviours.
Parentification and Domestic Abuse
Exposure to domestic violence (violence within the family) causes profound damage to family systems and dynamics. Domestic violence can involve verbal, psychological, sexual, or physical abuse. It can break down the child-parent roles and boundaries, leading to parentification.
Research has identified different ways that children exposed to domestic abuse experience parentification. These include:
- Intervening to protect mothers from violence
- Acting as a mother’s emotional support system
- Caring for siblings’ daily needs
- Managing their parents’ health and well-being
The same study found that young people who had been exposed to coercive, controlling violence experienced the most extensive parentification.
Parentification and Psychological Abuse Towards Young People
When a parent engages in narcissistic abuse, this may be directed towards a child as well as their partner. Psychological abuse can consist of different types of behaviours, including:
- Verbal or non-verbal behaviours that reject, undermine, or humiliate a child
- Withdrawal of affection or attention
- Isolating a child from social situations
- Exploiting a child to meet caregiver needs
- Disregard for a child’s emotional needs
- Threats of violence or abandonment
Research has found that psychological abuse from a parent is linked to young people’s experiences of parentification. While the underlying mechanisms still aren’t clear, children’s self-esteem may play a role.
Psychological abuse typically breaks down a child’s self-esteem and self-worth, leading to feelings of worthlessness and rejection. Children may attempt to restore their sense of self-worth by assuming parenting and caregiving responsibilities that are beyond their developmental age.
How Does Parentification Harm Young People’s Well-Being and Development?
Researchers have found that adults who experienced the breakdown of parent-child roles as children are more vulnerable to mental health issues as adults. Boundary dissolution while growing up has been associated with somatisation, depression, and anxiety. It’s also been linked to lower self-esteem, fear of failure, fear of disappointing others, and greater unhappiness.
When young people take on adult roles, it disrupts their usual development. It takes time away from exploration, learning, socialising, and play that are fundamental to developing social and emotional skills.
Parentification, especially emotional parentification, often creates an emotional burden for young people that they lack the skills or capacities to manage. As they continue to manage their parents’ needs and emotions, they may develop chronic emotional distress.
At the same time, they may suppress their own emotions, be unable to trust one parent and be afraid of further burdening the other. This can disrupt the development of core skills like emotional regulation and expression, involving the identification and understanding of emotions.
Parentification also places teenagers in roles where they are expected to offer care or support that is beyond their developmental capacities. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem.
The Wave Clinic: Trauma-Focused Mental Health Support For Young People and Families
Young people who have experienced trauma growing up can develop lasting mental health disorders. It’s important for children and teenagers who have witnessed or experienced any kind of abuse at home to receive mental health support.
At The Wave Clinic, we offer specialised, trauma-focused care for young people and families. Our programs include outpatient and residential care that combine outstanding therapeutic support with enriching experiences and education. We address experiences of trauma from the start of our treatment programs, integrating talk therapy with experiential and mind-body approaches.
We also offer intensive family therapy programs to support families recovering from family trauma and address the way these experiences have impacted the family system. We support parents in moving back into parenting roles, reorganising family dynamics, and developing skills to nurture a young person’s recovery.
We also provide family intensives specifically oriented towards betrayal trauma and deceptive behaviours. If you’re interested in finding out more about our programs, contact us by phone, message, or email, and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can.
