Every generation develops its own language, and for parents trying to keep pace with life online, it can sometimes feel as though the vocabulary changes overnight. One week, young people are talking about being “delulu”, “sigma” or “main character energy”, then another set of phrases emerge, bringing with them a fresh wave of posts and reels attempting to explain what they mean.
While many are simply passing trends, a term that has remained part of the conversation for longer than many others is looksmaxxing. Originally used to describe ways of improving physical appearance, it has since been joined by a growing collection of related trends including healthmaxxing, gymmaxxing, sleepmaxxing and even brainmaxxing. Although each focuses on a different aspect of life, they all promote a similar idea: that almost every part of ourselves can be improved, refined or optimised.
At first glance, much of this appears positive. Encouraging young people to exercise regularly, establish healthy routines, eat well or take pride in their appearance is hardly something most parents would object to, and these are habits that can contribute to both physical and emotional well-being and are often an important part of growing up.
The important question, however, is not whether self-improvement is healthy; it’s what happens when young people begin to believe there is no end to self-improvement and they can always do more.
This is why I believe it is important to look beyond looksmaxxing itself. As a psychotherapist, I am far less interested in the terminology than I am in what these trends reveal about the emotional pressures young people are experiencing. The language will inevitably change, just as it always has, but the psychological needs beneath it remain remarkably familiar. Young people are still asking the same questions they always have:
- Who am I?
- Where do I belong?
- Am I enough?
What has changed is the environment in which they are trying to answer them.
Adolescence Has Always Been a Time of Becoming
Adolescence has never been a straightforward stage of life. It is a period of extraordinary change during which young people begin developing a stronger sense of identity while navigating increasing independence, shifting friendships, changing family relationships and the physical changes that accompany puberty. It is a time when confidence can fluctuate from one day to the next and when acceptance by peers often feels enormously important.
For generations, parents have watched their children experiment with different hairstyles, clothing, hobbies and friendship groups as they gradually discover who they are. Trying on different identities is not something new. It is an important part of healthy development.
What has changed is that today’s adolescents are exploring that identity within an environment that never pauses and rarely offers context.
Social media has created unprecedented opportunities for learning, creativity and connection; however, it has also introduced a culture in which comparison is constant. Young people no longer compare themselves solely with classmates, neighbours or the occasional celebrity they admire. They carry an endless stream of carefully curated images, opinions and advice with them throughout the day, often presented by people they perceive to be just like themselves.
The result is that adolescence, which has always involved uncertainty and comparison, now unfolds against a backdrop where almost every aspect of life appears open to evaluation. Appearance, fitness, academic success, friendships, productivity, confidence and even happiness are all visible and can all seem measurable, open to scrutiny, and subject to comparison.
For many young people, this creates an exhausting sense that there is always something more they could be doing to improve themselves.
When Self-Improvement Becomes Self-Evaluation
There is nothing unhealthy about wanting to grow as a person. Learning new skills, setting goals and developing healthy habits are all important parts of emotional development, and adolescence is often the period during which lifelong interests and routines begin to take shape.
The difficulty arises when growth becomes inseparable from worth.
Many of the messages young people encounter online no longer encourage self-improvement as something enriching or enjoyable. Instead, being better can begin to feel like a condition of acceptance. Confidence is portrayed as something that will come once we achieve the ideal body, perfect skin, the highest grades or the most disciplined routine.
When happiness appears permanently attached to the next achievement rather than something that can exist alongside imperfection this becomes the dominant narrative, and self-improvement quietly changes its purpose:
- Exercise may no longer be about becoming stronger or experiencing the enjoyment of movement.
- Skincare routines become less about caring for healthy skin and more about striving for flawlessness.
- Nutrition shifts away from nourishment towards control.
- Rest becomes something to optimise rather than something the body naturally requires.
None of these behaviours are problematic in themselves. In fact, many are positive habits when they are motivated by self-care.
It becomes concerning when young people begin believing that they cannot feel comfortable with themselves until they have perfected themselves.
That is a very different psychological process.
The Emotional Needs Beneath the Behaviour
One of the greatest mistakes we can make as adults is assuming that behaviours always tell us why they exist.
A teenager who spends hours researching skincare products may not simply be interested in skincare. A young person who becomes intensely focused on exercise may not be motivated solely by fitness. Equally, someone who carefully monitors every aspect of their daily routine may not simply be trying to become healthier.
Behaviour often tells us what someone is doing. It does not necessarily tell us what they are feeling.
Throughout my work with young people and families, I have found that behaviours frequently serve emotional purposes that are not immediately obvious. Perfectionism can become a way of managing anxiety. Excessive achievement can provide temporary protection from feelings of inadequacy. Control over food, appearance or routine may develop during periods when other parts of life feel uncertain or overwhelming.
This is why I encourage parents to remain curious before becoming critical.
If we focus only on stopping a behaviour without understanding the emotional need it is meeting, we risk missing the conversation our young person most needs us to have.
That does not mean every interest in health, fitness or appearance is a cause for concern. Far from it. Most adolescents will naturally become more aware of how they look as they grow older, and many will enjoy experimenting with fashion, exercise or personal care. These experiences can contribute positively to confidence, independence and self-expression.
The difference lies not in the behaviour itself, but in the relationship a young person develops with it.
Healthy self-care tends to increase flexibility, confidence and enjoyment. It allows young people to care for themselves while accepting that perfection is neither possible nor necessary.
An unhealthy relationship often becomes increasingly rigid. Missing a workout creates distress rather than disappointment. A minor skin blemish feels catastrophic. A single unhealthy meal produces guilt rather than balance. The routine gradually stops serving the young person, and instead the young person begins serving the routine.
It is this shift that should get our attention.
Why Belonging Matters More Than Perfection
Most behaviours make much more sense when we understand the emotional need they are attempting to meet.
It is easy to assume that optimisation is driven by vanity or ambition, yet for many adolescents the motivation is far more complex. Beneath the carefully curated routines, before-and-after photographs and endless advice about becoming the “best version” of themselves often lies a much more familiar desire: the need to feel accepted, valued and enough.
Adolescence is a time when belonging matters enormously. Friendships deepen, identities begin to form and approval from peers carries increasing emotional significance. It is entirely natural for young people to become more aware of themselves during this period. They notice how they compare with others, they become more sensitive to feedback and they begin exploring where they fit within the social world around them.
While social media has not created these developmental tasks, it has amplified them.
Algorithms are designed to reward attention. The content that attracts the greatest engagement is often the content that appears the most aspirational, the most dramatic or the most transformative. Young people are repeatedly exposed to messages suggesting that confidence comes from changing themselves rather than understanding themselves.
When this becomes the dominant narrative, it is hardly surprising that some begin to believe they are only ever one improvement away from finally feeling happy, accepted or secure.
The difficulty, of course, is that the finish line keeps moving. There is always another routine to follow, another product to buy, another expert to listen to or another aspect of ourselves to refine. If our sense of worth depends upon reaching perfection, then perfection will always remain frustratingly out of reach.
Healthy self-esteem develops very differently. It grows through relationships where we feel accepted without having to earn that acceptance. It develops through experiences that teach us resilience, through mistakes that help us grow and through knowing that our value is not dependent upon how we look, how clever we are or how closely we resemble someone else’s idea of success.
What Parents May Notice
Parents often ask whether there are particular signs they should be looking for. There is rarely one behaviour that tells us a young person is struggling, and it is important not to become alarmed every time a teenager develops an interest in a new fitness plan or skincare range.
Instead, I’d encourage parents to pay attention to patterns:
- Has your child’s mood become increasingly dependent upon maintaining particular routines?
- Are they becoming highly self-critical or anxious about minor imperfections?
- Have they withdrawn from activities they once enjoyed because they no longer feel they look good enough or perform well enough?
- Do they seem unable to relax unless they are actively working towards another goal?
Equally important is noticing changes in flexibility.
Young people who have a healthy relationship with exercise, nutrition or self-care can usually adapt when life changes. Missing a workout, eating differently during a family celebration or taking a break from a routine may be disappointing, but it is unlikely to cause overwhelming distress.
However, when routines become rigid, we often begin to see anxiety replacing enjoyment. What once supported well-being can gradually become something that well-being depends upon. That is often the point at which it becomes helpful to explore not simply what a young person is doing, but why it has become so important.
Curiosity Before Correction
When parents become worried, the understandable instinct is often to intervene quickly, to reassure our child they already look great, or encourage them to spend less time online and not compare themselves with others. Although these responses come from a place of love, they do not always address the feelings beneath the behaviour, and young people rarely benefit from being told they should not feel insecure.
What they often need is someone who is willing to understand why those insecurities have become so powerful in the first place. This requires curiosity rather than judgement. Asking what they enjoy about a particular routine, what they hope it will achieve or how it makes them feel can provide valuable insight into the emotional role these behaviours are playing and siimple questions often create far richer conversations than immediate reassurance.
Sometimes parents worry that asking these questions will reinforce unhealthy behaviours; however, feeling genuinely heard allows young people to reflect more openly on their own experiences without becoming defensive. The goal is not to criticise their interests or dismiss the communities they engage with. Instead, the aim is to help them develop the confidence to think critically about the messages they receive.
Helping Young People Build Something Stronger
One of the most protective factors we can offer young people is an environment in which they experience unconditional acceptance. This does not mean lowering expectations or avoiding difficult conversations. Rather, it means ensuring that achievement never becomes the foundation upon which love, belonging or self-worth depend.
Children who know they are valued regardless of their appearance, grades, sporting ability or popularity develop a far stronger foundation from which to explore the inevitable challenges of adolescence. They learn that mistakes do not diminish their worth, that setbacks are opportunities for growth and that confidence develops through experience rather than perfection.
As parents, we also have an opportunity to reflect upon the messages we communicate about ourselves. Young people notice far more than we sometimes realise. They hear how we speak about our own bodies. They observe how we respond to ageing, success, failure and comparison. They learn from the balance we create between striving for growth and accepting ourselves as we are.
Perhaps one of the most powerful lessons we can teach is that it is entirely possible to pursue self-improvement without believing we are fundamentally inadequate. Growth, self-acceptance and success are not at odds with each other. In fact, they often flourish together.
Looking Beyond Looksmaxxing
The language surrounding young people will continue to evolve, just as it always has. New phrases will replace old ones, different trends will capture attention and social media will undoubtedly continue shaping the way adolescents experience the world.
While understanding these trends has value, our greatest responsibility is not simply to keep up with the vocabulary but to remain curious about the emotional experiences that sit beneath it.
Maxxing trends may be today’s headline. Tomorrow, it will almost certainly be something else.
The pressures facing young people, however, are likely to remain remarkably familiar. They are still trying to answer timeless questions about identity, belonging, acceptance and self-worth, albeit within a world that offers continuous opportunities for comparison and endless promises of self-optimisation.
If we can look beyond the trends themselves, we begin to see what our young people have needed all along. Not perfection. Not another version of themselves. But relationships that remind them they are already worthy of love, belonging and acceptance at every stage of the process of becoming who they are.
