Our early attachments to parents and other caregivers have a lasting impact on our mental health. These relationships are the foundation of emotional, social and cognitive development and affect the way we form and maintain relationships into adolescence and adulthood.
When young children are separated from their parents – such as when they go to boarding school – these relationships are disrupted. Young children may experience distress and trauma that they’re unable to process and comprehend. Going forward, they may lack close and trusted relationships where they can learn, explore, and develop.
In recent years, psychologists have drawn attention to patterns of behaviours, thoughts, and feelings among young people who attended boarding school. These include a fear of abandonment, the development of two different identities, and difficulty expressing feelings and forming close relationships.
Importantly, such experiences of distress and trauma are not inevitable. With care and support from schools and parents, young people may be able to navigate boarding school while maintaining secure relationships with caregivers and forming new ones.
What Is Boarding School Syndrome?
Boarding school syndrome isn’t an official medical diagnosis. Instead, it’s a collection of learned behaviours and attitudes that are common to many people who have attended boarding school.
Not everyone who goes to boarding school develops these behaviours. However, conceptualising and identifying boarding school syndrome can help psychologists, parents, and others to understand a person’s behaviours and offer effective treatment and support.
The behaviours, thoughts, and feelings associated with boarding school syndrome mostly have to do with intimacy and closeness. They might include:
- Finding closeness and intimacy scary or threatening
- Suddenly withdrawing from a close relationship
- Difficulties speaking about feelings
- Experiencing anger when emotional dependency starts to form
A lot of research on boarding school syndrome is based on experiences of boarding school from several decades ago, among people who are now adults. Experiences of boarding school today can be very different, with better support structures and philosophies that emphasise mental wellness as well as academic learning. These structures help to prevent boarding school syndrome and other mental health issues among young people.
Starting Boarding School: An Experience of Traumatic Loss
For some young children, starting boarding school involves an experience of traumatic loss. Young children may suddenly lose their attachment figures that provide them with both security and a sense of identity.
This experience can affect the way young people form relationships in the future. They may develop a fear of abandonment that causes them to feel anxious in close relationships or to avoid them completely.
Sometimes, young people may receive care and support from staff at their school, creating an environment where they feel safe and secure. They may develop new ‘caregiver’ relationships with teachers and pastoral staff that support healthy social and emotional development. In these settings, young people may learn how to form secure relationships, trust other people, and understand and express their own emotions.
However, if young people don’t find other caregiver figures in their school, they can feel alone and abandoned. This experience of distress may be too painful and intense for a young person to process and understand. Instead, they may detach from their emotions and build another defensive ‘self’ to protect themselves. They stop recognising the need for intimacy and emotional dependency on others.
Without effective support, these tendencies can continue into adolescence and adulthood. Young people may remain detached from their emotions and struggle to express how they are feeling. They may avoid close relationships with other people or suddenly break away from emotionally dependent relationships.
Attachment and Emotional Development
Our early relationships are important for our future relationships and for other aspects of emotional development. Young children learn by interacting with the world around them, particularly by interacting with other people.
In relationships with caregivers, children learn how to recognise other people’s emotions and mental states and connect them to their behaviours (a skill known as mentalising). They also learn how to understand and express their own emotions.
Another important skill is emotional regulation – the ability to manage emotional responses to internal and external events. In secure relationships with caregivers, young people learn that they’ll receive support and care in times of distress, especially when they communicate their feelings. This helps them to self-soothe and regulate difficult and intense emotions, understanding that things will be okay again in the future.
When relationships with caregivers are disrupted, or young people lack care, these processes (and others) are also disrupted. This can have long-lasting effects on young people’s emotional development that may persist into adulthood.
Navigating Mental Wellness at Boarding School
In recent years, schools have increasingly recognised their role in promoting mental health among young people. Awareness of mental health issues in boarding schools is growing, and schools are taking big steps both to prevent mental health problems from developing and support young people who are facing mental health challenges.
Many schools now have excellent counselling and pastoral health teams dedicated to young people’s well-being.
These changes mean that in many boarding schools, young people are not exposed to structures and experiences that lead to boarding school syndrome. Instead, support structures help to protect young people’s mental health and ensure they maintain healthy, close, and trusting relationships with others throughout their time in school.
Boarding School Support Systems
School support systems are some of the most important factors contributing to mental well-being at boarding schools. These support systems involve diverse networks of staff dedicated to social and emotional well-being. They offer consistent support, identify signs of distress, and connect with additional support structures when necessary.
Support networks may include house parents, tutors, and peer counsellors, as well as psychologists, counsellors, therapists, and other mental health professionals.
As a parent, it’s important to encourage your child to use these support networks. Make sure they’re aware of who they can speak to if they’re facing challenges in their mental health or social life. Let them know that it’s healthy and admirable to express their feelings and reach out for support when they need it.
If you’re not sure exactly what support is available at their school, you may want to ask a staff member to better understand. This can help you help your child access the care and help they need.
Creating Awareness
Building awareness about mental health is crucial for preventing and identifying mental health challenges. One role of boarding schools is to create an environment where both young people and staff are aware of the signs of stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns. This helps young people receive support quickly in the early stages of mental health issues before problems become bigger or more distressing.
It’s important for parents to develop their own awareness about mental health issues. This is the first step to understanding the experience of a young person, knowing how to respond, and recognising when things aren’t right. You can also speak to your child about mental health issues, encouraging them to feel comfortable talking about their feelings and sharing their concerns and experiences.
Navigating Stress at School
Many young people experience academic stress at school. They may be worried about the grades they’ll achieve in exams, following lessons, or completing homework and assignments. Academic stress can add to social pressures and other challenges of school life, making young people more vulnerable to mental health concerns.
Academic stress can come from different sources. Sometimes, young people internalise social norms and societal pressures about academic performance and place high expectations on themselves. In other cases, family members, teachers, and others can make a young person feel pressured to achieve. When a young person feels like these expectations are too high or worries about meeting them, it can cause stress and anxiety.
As a parent, you can help your child manage academic stress by reminding them that academic grades do not define a person. Your child has many strengths and talents to offer the world that cannot and should not be assessed in an exam. Encourage them to understand that learning new skills, gaining knowledge, and discovering passions are the most important parts of education, rather than the grades a person obtains.
If your child is finding it difficult to organise their studies, it can help to make a timetable to set specific hours for certain tasks. They could also speak with a member of support staff to help them develop strategies for managing their workload or identify subjects where they may be receiving too much work. If you’re worried about the amount of work your child is receiving – or academic pressure from the school or teachers – you should contact a staff member and raise your concerns.
The Wave Clinic: Specialist Recovery Programs for Young People
The Wave Clinic offers specialist mental health support for children, adolescents, and young adults. Our programs aim to build life advantages among young people, helping them grow in self-confidence and develop the skills they need to follow their dreams.
Our residential and outpatient treatment spaces are located in and around Kuala Lumpur city centre, Malaysia. Our residential space combines clinical care with personal learning programs, vocational education, enriching experiences, and social responsibility in a safe and supported environment.
Our outpatient centre offers a diverse range of specialist treatment modalities for eating disorders, borderline personality disorder, and other mental health concerns. We provide intensive family therapy courses to help families create supportive and caring home environments that reinforce positive behaviours and encourage lasting mental well-being.
If you’re interested in learning more about our programs, contact us today. We’re here to support you.
Fiona Yassin is the founder and clinical director at The Wave Clinic. She is a U.K. and International registered Psychotherapist and Accredited Clinical Supervisor (U.K. and UNCG).
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