At The Wave, the majority of young people who we treat for self-harm ask why their parents didn’t act sooner. They often hold rage or anger against their parents for leaving treatment so late – emotions that they may not directly express.
Any parent whose child has self-harmed will understand the complexity of these parent-child relationships. Young people may tell their parents they don’t want or need support despite ongoing self-harming behaviours. Parents may feel overwhelmed with fear and concern and respond with intense emotions or try to avoid confronting what’s going on.
When a young person is self-harming, it’s normal for parents to be unsure what to do. But the most important thing to remember is that self-harm always requires support from a mental health professional. Regardless of the way a young person is self-harming, their communication, or your own emotions, you should seek professional help.
Why Do Young People Self-Harm?
There are many reasons why young people might self-harm. Self-harm is never just a ‘phase’: it’s a sign of the emotional pain and distress that a young person is experiencing.
Some reasons why young people self-harm include:
- managing or expressing very strong and distressing emotions such as fear, anger, worthlessness, emptiness, or loss
- temporarily relieving stress and anxiety
- grounding themselves in experiences of dissociation or disrupting feelings of numbness
- searching for a sense of control over their feelings and experiences
- experiencing physical pain to distract from emotional pain
Sometimes, when young people self-harm, they want to express or communicate their feelings to parents and other people around them. When a young person feels like their pain is overlooked, minimised, or misunderstood, self-harm can be a way to express the intensity and intolerability of their experience. They may try to bring parents closer to receive the care they require.
Why Should Parents Never Minimise Self-Harm?
Sometimes, parents try to minimise a young person’s self-harm. This can happen when parents are afraid of the reality of a young person’s experience and try to deny or avoid confronting it. Parents may also feel responsible for their child’s behaviours and try to escape emotions of guilt or shame.
While it can be difficult for parents to manage the emotions they experience when a child self-harms, parents should take care not to minimise or de-validate their experience. Minimising self-harm can intensify the emotions that a young person is feeling and cause self-harm to escalate.
Self-harm is a signal of a young person’s need for care. If parents don’t recognise this need, young people sometimes self-harm more. This doesn’t mean that young people are self-harming just ‘for attention’; instead, it’s a sign of intense emotional pain that requires acknowledgement and support.
If a young person is self-harming, try to:
- let them know that you’re there to support them and will not judge them
- listen to what they say and reassure them
- acknowledge and validate their pain
- stay open-minded
Don’t Judge Self-Harm by it’s Physical Impact
Young people may self-harm in lots of different ways. Some of these ways cause more physical damage to the body than others.
However, it’s important not to judge the severity of self-harm by its physical impact. The amount of damage to the body that self-harm causes isn’t a measure of the emotional pain a young person is experiencing. Parents should never minimise or overlook self-harming behaviours in any form.
What If a Young Person Says They Don’t Need Support?
It’s normal for young people who self-harm to say they don’t want or need treatment. They may think they can get better on their own or understand self-harm as a helpful way to cope with their experiences. However, self-harm is always a result of serious psychological distress that requires professional support.
If a young person finds it difficult to speak to a professional or attend appointments, there are some things you can do. Mental health professionals and helplines can offer parents advice and support about the best way to move forward. It’s always best to contact a professional early before self-harming behaviours escalate.
Finding Support for Young People Who Self-Harm
In many countries, you can reach a mental health professional through your primary doctor. They will refer a young person to more specialist services who can provide effective support. You can also contact a mental health professional directly.
Young people can receive support via helplines such as Samaritans and Papyrus in addition to speaking with a professional.
Self-harm is always serious, but with effective support, young people can stop self-harming and feel better again.
Contact The Wave Clinic for Support
The Wave Clinic offers specialist mental health support for children, teenagers, and young adults. We provide a safe space for young people to grow in self-confidence, learn skills and coping mechanisms, and address past traumas. To find out more about our programs, get in touch.
