Families are like systems of close relationships that develop, change, and affect one another. This means that the behaviours of one family member affect all the others, as do collective family practices and dynamics. These webs of interactions are complex and can give rise to both negative and positive effects.
So it makes sense that when a young person has mental health problems, they both affect and are affected by their family. Self-harm is an adolescent mental health problem that can have one of the biggest impacts on family members. In turn, family relationships and practices can also affect self-harming behaviours by providing support that discourages self-harm or, sometimes, by unintentionally reinforcing their behaviours.
While the effect of family dynamics on self-harming behaviours is relatively well-documented, less attention has been given to the impact of self-harm on families. Using research from a study published in the British Medical Journal, this blog outlines some of the ways that self-harm impacts parents, siblings, and the family system.
Understanding Self-Harm Among Young People
Self-harm is when someone deliberately harms themselves to try and cope with distressing experiences or emotions. This might be because they are seeking relief or distraction from overwhelming thoughts and feelings. It can also be a way to try to feel something in response to numbness and disassociation.
Most of the time, young people self-harm because of a complex combination of experiences. This means that families are rarely ‘to blame’ or ‘responsible’ for a young person’s self-harm. But sometimes, family practices can contribute to or reinforce these behaviours.
How Does Self-Harm by Young People Affect Parents and Families?
How Do Parents Feel When They Discover a Young Person Self-Harming?
Parents may discover that their child is self-harming in different ways. Some parents may learn from teachers, other children, or friends at school. Others may notice the signs of self-harming themselves.
However parents find out about self-harm, it can be a very shocking and distressing experience. Parents often experience various emotions in sequence or at the same time. It’s normal for parents to feel fear, anxiety, anger, annoyance, frustration and disbelief about what is happening.
How Does a Young Person’s Self-Harm Affect Parents’ Mental Health?
Many parents experience ongoing stress and anxiety about their children’s behaviour. They may find it difficult to sleep or develop panic disorders. Sometimes, parents’ stress expresses itself somatically, as physical symptoms like nausea.
Some parents also feel guilt or shame about their child’s self-harming because they hold themselves responsible for their child’s behaviours. They may feel like they failed to keep their child safe or provide the care they needed. However, in reality, parents are rarely responsible for a young person’s self-harm.
Ongoing self-harm can also cause depression among parents. They may become worn down from continuing experiences of intense fear, anxiety, and other emotions.
Many parents understand that looking after themselves is the only way to look after their children. They may seek professional help, including cognitive behavioural therapy, counselling, or medication. Some parents also use mindfulness techniques to manage stress and anxiety.
How Are Family Relationships Impacted?
The stress and anxiety caused by a young person’s self-harming can affect relationships within families, including marriages and partnerships between parents. Partners may place almost all their focus on their child, putting their relationship and other aspects of their life on hold. Parents may take turns caring for their children (and taking breaks), making it hard to have quality time together.
How Does a Young Person’s Self-Harm Affect Their Siblings?
When a young person self-harms, it usually affects the whole family. It may disrupt a family’s ‘normality’ and daily routines, which can be hard for siblings to manage. This is especially true around stressful times for other children, like exam periods.
Parents may find it difficult to balance the needs of their child who’s self-harming with the needs of their other children. Sometimes, siblings can feel frustrated at how much attention a young person receives.
However, children can also be extremely supportive of their siblings. They may offer emotional support and participate in family therapy. Some siblings experience conflicted responses, caring and emphasising for a young person while still annoyed at their behaviours.
The stigma around self-harm means that some siblings may receive negative comments and reactions from friends about their family’s experiences. This can cause some children to hide their sibling’s self-harm. Unfortunately, this can prevent them from receiving the emotional support they need from friends and others around them.
What Is the Impact on the Wider Family?
Self-harm can also affect the wider family. In some cases, the tension caused by a young person’s self-harm causes pre-existing problems to resurface. Extended family members can also be judgemental parents and hold them responsible.
However, in other cases, members of the wider family may be very supportive and put a lot of effort into understanding and caring for their relatives.
How Does Self-Harm Affect Parents’ Social Lives?
Some parents feel ashamed or hesitate to tell their friends about their child’s self-harm. Sadly, this can cause them to withdraw from social circles and even lose friendships. In reality, many of their friends may be willing and ready to support them, but perceived stigma can be a barrier to this care.
On the other hand, some parents receive invaluable support from friends, especially if they’ve had similar experiences with their children. This support can be an essential source of strength that keeps parents going.
What Support Is Available for Families of Young People Who Self-Harm?
Self-harm can have a big and extensive impact on families. It may affect parents’ mental health, their relationships, siblings, wider family members, and families’ social lives. However, families should not have to go through this process alone. Support from both their community and mental health professionals can be hugely positive.
Family therapy is one of the most important forms of support for families affected by self-harm. Several types of family therapy are available, including DBT-family skills learning, family systems therapy, and psychoeducation.
When a young person is self-harming, they should always receive professional support. Sometimes, family therapy is offered as part of a young person’s treatment program. Other times, families may access family therapy independently.
How Does Family Therapy Help?
Family therapy can support families affected by self-harm in many different ways. Firstly, therapy can help parents and other family members understand how to support a young person best. This is not only important for a young person’s recovery, but also in relieving parents of stress, anxiety, and worries about what to do.
Family therapy can also identify and change unhelpful or harmful dynamics that may reinforce self-harming behaviours or make recovery more difficult. Parents may be unaware that certain dynamics are harmful or struggle to change them; in family therapy, family members can learn new skills to facilitate positive change.
Moreover, family therapy can provide parents and other family members with tools to cope with the emotions they experience as a result of a young person’s self-harm. Family members may also receive individual psychological support.
Additionally, family therapy can help family members navigate conflicts and relationship issues that may have been caused or exacerbated by self-harm. Therapists can support families to maintain or build mutually supportive relationships and a strong and stable family system embedded in a community.
The Wave Clinic: Family-Centred Mental Health Support for Young People
The Wave Clinic provides residential and outpatient mental health treatment spaces specialised for young people and their families. Our programs combine exceptional clinical care with enriching experiences, community projects, and education, supporting young people to build fulfilling futures.
We understand the importance of the family in mental health support for young people. Our programs are family-centred, involving families in our programs from the very beginning. We invite families to our centre for a week of residential family therapy to create new memories and experiences that facilitate transformative change.
If you’re interested in finding out more about our programs, get in touch today. We’re here to support you.
